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That little spark that I see, on occasion, wasn't a cataract after all! It was coming from my guitars I have hanging on my wall!

I've been wanting to play so, SO bad lately, but when I look at one of them, I get this sort of ill feeling. It's hard to describe, sort of like an anxiety/dread feeling that makes me want to curl up in a fetal position and suck my thumb while crying for my mommy! Apparently I have some serious PTSD from the druggie days, being forced to play all the time. I'm 16 years clean & sober, and I have no issue with the drug part of the ordeal. But, the things that happened while I was on drugs is what seems to haunt me.

I have been seeing a therapist ever since I lost my amazingly beautiful little Erin, and he has helped me get through some seriously difficult times. It looks as if I need to bring this one up to him as well. Music was my life! It was my salvation! All I wanted to do was play my guitar and write music! Any problems I ever had (and I had far too many for one person to handle), I would just...play! Or write a song. It all seems to be gone now, and when I want to pick it up again, I have panic attacks! All because some very evil fucker decided he was going to own me, like some show-off object! I mean, I liked the guy to an extent, and he always tried being cool with me. But, deep down, I hated the dude with a passion! I felt so trapped, though. I was so embarrassed to be doing drugs at the time, and I had this fear of the world! I could have just ran to my parent's place to get away and sober up, but I was mortified of them finding out I was on drugs again! Thank God I had the strength to escape when I did!

However, the three to four years I spent destroying my brain cell has stuck with me, and I have nightmares to this day; 16 years later! I have just never had the ability to just let things go! Erin taught me how to not hold on to grudges, but I don't forget.

Anyway, I finally got the nerve to pick up my 7-string today for a few! YAY ME! Well, not really yay me...I'm SOOO sloppy!!! It's all still there, I don't thin that will ever go away! It would just take me a month of playing every day to get my picking back in shape again so that I can play clean. That may never happen again, unfortunately. I may be too damaged to ever play again on a regular basis.

I did make a promise to myself, many moons ago, to never get rid of my music gear, and I have held true to that promise! I still have a crapload of equipment at my apartment, and about an apartment's worth of gear in storage! I'll most likely take it all to my grave and leave it to my kids when I croak. Hopefully I'll be able to teach them how to play the different instruments so they can form their own little Brady Bunch! lol I don't have much, but at least I'll have SOMETHING to give them before I croak!

That's it. I really just wanted to mention that I picked up a guitar today for the first time in who knows how long, but the older I get, the more difficult it becomes to shut me the hayall up! haha

Till next time...

Boy oh boy! Do I have some good news!

Anyone who has been reading my updates knows that I've had a LOT of troubles with my health over the years! Taking opiates for my pain management has quite literally broken me! My testosterone levels plummeted to almost zero, causing my desire to do anything, as well as my energy levels, to drop to nothing! I literally gained 100 pounds, and my blood levels became horrible! I've been on the verge of having diabetes, developed a heart condition, among many others! I have literally been at risk of having either a heart attack, stroke, pulmonary embolism, and/or aneurism at any given time. I could be walking around mindin my own affair and drop dead at any time! It hasn't been a fun journey, to say the least!

However, I am on a bunch of different medications and vitamin supplements for many moons as well. Some get changed around here and there, but for the most part, they have been the same meds. Last week, I forgot to refill a couple of them on time, and I wound up running out of them. One of them I had been taking for over 10 years now, but it didn't have any weird withdrawal or side effect when missing a dose. The other was fairly new, but I had still been taking it for some time.

The day I ran out (I take them in the AM when I wake up), I was up early, went out to play with my cat three times that day, and was getting things done around the house! WTF!? I didn't really notice it the first day, as I occasionally have pretty good days. But, when it happened again the following day, it peaked my curiosity! This has been two days now that I have had energy and didn't spend the entire day sleeping! The next day, same thing! I'm liking this pattern!

I finally get my meds in, and I test the theory. I took both of my missed meds and within an hour, I was right back to sleep! The whole day was shot from sleeping! So, apparently my lack of energy, besides the lack of testosterone, has had a LOT to do with this med knocking my ass out!

Whoda-thunk-it?!?

I decided to stop taking that med altogether. It was just an antihistamine they were giving me for anxiety, so no biggie. I have felt great every day since! Which is a beautiful thing, seeing as how I have been eyeballing my guitars hanging on my walls a lot more! ;)

Keep your fingers crossed! I might be back in the saddle soon!!!